“I’m not the only one, that walks between the rain – there are many. I’m not the only one, when everything is lost that doesn’t surrender.” -Mudvayne
Comforting discoveries along my way:
- There is a group of men and women that have carried me on my worst days. I have come to realize they know me better than I know myself.
- A new realization of mine is that my favorite band since age 14 is largely about addiction/recovery as well as having our symbol disguised as their logo. My alcoholism didn’t take full bloom until age 24. Who knew? Coincidence? Maybe, but doubtful. A little foreshadowing there.
“Who cares to admit complete defeat?”
If your drinking was anything like mine, it was the variation that left you flat on your ass in an ER cot approximately two weeks post first vodka shot. As a former “bodybuilding legend” in my small city, it left many a friend, co-worker, and confidant confused and questioning. BUT – not as baffled as I. “Where has her self control gone?” “As a bodybuilding competitor, you know she has more will power than anyone I know.” “She’s always been a real go-getter and so successful at anything she does.. why can’t she just put the drink down?” A true extremist: once I made drinking my new fad, I went from 0-100 faster than my record holding 100m sprint.
So; After graduating 10 inpatient detoxes since 2015, The questions I get now: Why did I stop? More importantly, HOW?
The answer I’m able to muster is that, for me, I had to be well enough fed with my own bullshit. I had to try every possible way of doing this thing on my own for the “can’t” to finally “click.” I tried only drinking beer… wine.. limiting the amount of drinks, only drinking socially, only drinking on weekends, etc. Essentially, every way “controlled drinking” can be attempted. The gift of sobriety only came to me when my minute tolerance for bullshit coincided with the smallest amount of willingness to give up my power. (WHAT?? Say it louder for the people in the back!!) Yes: I GAVE UP MY POWER. I gave my power to my God.